Who You Are, More or Less

Perhaps the journey to understanding ourselves is made easier as we get older simply because it is a process of subtraction.  While I don't claim to have "arrived" in full self awareness, I have made progress with the passing of time as I realize who I am not.

In youth we identify with our bodies; how we look and feel physically, and our ability to move and respond in physical ways with few limitations.  We find ourselves in relationship to our friends, and peers, and the music that validates and articulates our inner thoughts and feelings. I can also remember how important having the right car was for me in my early twenties.  (Yes, I had car issues back then too!) In romantic relationships I saw myself reflected in my current partner.  How I perceived my significant other was intertwined with my self-image.  Later in life as I moved from entry-level employment into positions of significant responsibility, I began to see myself as inseparable from my work and career. 

While a pattern of identifying with the people, places and things that made up my life shifted over time, it didn't evolve.  The way I saw myself only changed form and shape, as each external definition assumed a greater or lesser role in defining me.

While career, relationships, and our physical bodies are all aspects of who we are in the world, there is a steep price to pay when these facets become major support beams in our life.  When a job, or a relationship or level of health becomes a pillar of our self-image, our whole world can come crashing down when one of these is damaged, diminished or lost.  Perhaps you have experienced this sobering reality first hand.

In Marianne Williamson's book, The Age of Miracles, she relates her catharsis as she watched her body change with age. Upon reflection she finally came to the deeper questions: So who am I really? Am I the woman who has changed with age, or am I the changeless self within? Am I the woman encased in time or the being who dwells apart from it?

Such questions can lead us to a deeper appreciation of who we are, and make a profound difference in how we experience the changes which are sure to continue in this human journey.  In fact, it has been my experience that the more I can identify with the changeless spiritual essence that is my true self, the more gracefully I can navigate the world that is in constant motion beneath my feet. 

Every bud and emerging shoot that breaks forth in the spring landscape came through the requisite season of loss and dormancy without losing awareness of its ever-present life force. Seasons of change and loss do not deny or diminish this essential life force in us either. 

The Sufi poet, Rumi compared this process of subtraction, which leads to us to our essence, using the metaphor of a moth flying into a flame. The wings of the moth are consumed in the flame, which represent our ego sense of self. When who we think we are is burned off by the ravishes of time and change, we are left with a soulful identity, a treasured sense of love, and deep peace.  It's a new kind of math, we're working with these days.  Through a process of subtraction, we jettison the skin and discover the heart, stripped of externals our intrinsic self is revealed. We find we are more than the sum of our parts, much more than we ever thought we were.