Rebuilding the Temple

Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Psalms 127

As those of you know, who’ve attended service at UCOD the last two Sundays I have been going through a brutal examination of my faith and literally every concept, platitude and affirmation that has been the lexicon of my weekly talks and writings is up for review, and if necessary, dismissal. This is the uncomfortable raw and vulnerable stage of the spiritual journey.

WARNING: If you don’t have the stomach for a minister in deep search mode, please don’t read the following piece which is an unfiltered window into my current stage of enlightenment.

What I want to know, and not just believe, is that there is an ally that is constantly watching out for me, a reliable, albeit invisible, partner in my life who I can absolutely trust with my life. I yearn for some sense of realization that I do not navigate these dark and mysterious waters of life by my lonesome self. I want to feel the presence of love that enfolds my heart like a mother's hug and extends its care deep into the sinews of my awareness, and perpetually reminds me that I’m more than the sum of my fears and doubts and imaginings of how life appears to be.

I have spent a lifetime trying to figure out the curriculum that would avail me some modicum of safety, happiness or at least a moment of peace. The machinations of my thinking mind have conjured of endless schemes and plans and ways to mold the clay of possible scenarios that I desperately hoped, and sometime believed, would bring a state of calm and self-acceptance. I long to be in an eddy of rest, where I can let go and trust that without my struggling, worrying and strategizing I’ll still somehow find my way to a good and peaceful life; a life of enough.

Enough, what moving target in my search of satisfaction! Achieving a sense of enough is a merciless drive that has me grasping and thirsting and hungering in every direction to feel and satisfy a vague, persistent emptiness that never quite defines its nature or reveals its capacity other than its constancy which yawns and demands more even after a great feast.

Jesus said do not worry about the needs of this world and God knows what I need but I’m doubting that God knows anything of these needs that claw and crave inside me. Because God is not in this dream of separation from all of Life. The Divine is not subject to hunger or thirst or the need for acknowledgment, acceptance or loving approval. God is the fulfillment of all needs in which here can be no lack.

I am asked to remember that I am an offspring of this needless Fulfillment and thus beyond or beneath this endlessly wanting self is a truer self, in which all that the Father hath is mine and whose pleasure it is to share it unconditionally with me. I still believe in this part of my nature that knows this fulfillment. My problem is that I am not realizing that truth right now. I’m in a far country seemingly far from my Source trying to find the balm for this inner ache that the world cannot provide. I must find a way to return home to my true self where I live in complete harmony and joy with the Father/Mother God. I must be mindful of my steps on this journey toward satisfaction and question the direction that my search takes me. Either I’m moving closer to Truth or closer to the illusory world of seek but not find.

How am I doing with this whole process you may wonder? I am not deeply depressed. It is quite uncomfortable but not intolerable. When the itch gets really strong I’m tempted to pull out some time tested affirmative prayers to scratch away the uncertainty but I’m resisting the inauthentic leap into a false faithfulness. This process feels too primal, too vital, too rich with possibility for rebuilding the temple of my spiritual understanding to cave into quick fixes. If this is to be an authentic makeover I need to personally approve the plans, touch and feel the materials and consult the Architect on every aspect of the reconstruction.

It will take discernment, it will take courage, it will take patience but it is worth my every effort for there is nothing that I want or need more than to return to the state where my soul rests in its true home.

I do pray that my journey, openly shared with you, will bring light to your path and encourage your own authentic journey.