What Have You Got to Lose?

"God is not found in the soul by adding anything but by a process of subtraction."
– Meister Eckhart

In a world that judges by appearances it can be risky to let others see the less attractive parts of ourselves. I speak not only of the physical appearance such as a bad hairdo, but those revelations of what is going on with us that suggest we really don’t "have it all together."

As a spiritual leader I have been reluctant to be completely transparent with the congregation I serve.  When my own faith has faltered and my resolve to believe what I preach has fallen like a seed upon a barren rock I've wanted to keep my inner struggle under wraps.  My concern was that I would be judged as incompetent or unworthy and that people would vote with their feet!

Recently however I decided differently. Despite feeling profound disconnection and deep doubts I decided I would stand and deliver nonetheless and openly share with our community exactly what I was going through.  And so over the last few Sundays I have mustered the chutzpah to chronicle my spiritual foray that was marked by many more questions than answers. I’ve reported on a painful emptiness that I had felt as I sincerely sought to reestablish a baseline of truth, self-worth and a sense of home where my searching mind and yearning heart might find respite.  

It felt like I was in some kind of spiritual free fall and I really did not know where, or how, or even if I would settle on anything resembling solid ground. Because of the discomfort, I was tempted to take on an affirmative cloak that in the past would have served to wrap my doubts in the appearance of faithfulness.  As I pondered this strategy there was the voice of reason suggesting that a borrowed faith is better than none at all, and it would give me something to lean on and operate from until the real thing showed up for me. However, when I would feel deeply into this idea, it felt wrong, inauthentic and my truer sense encouraged me to wait it out until that which was really true for me awakened on its own.

I am grateful that I held out.  Last Saturday I received an insight which felt so very true and brought me a sense of peace that had eluded me for weeks.  The insight was simple but profound, a line from A Course in Miracles which says, “Nothing real can be threatened.” This was the assurance that I was seeking in my process that had felt like a terrible loss of a sense of self and precious beliefs that undergirded my faith.  Like a breath of rarified air I was struck by the beautiful realization that whatever I may have lost could not be the Truth of me; that my essence is untouchable, neither vulnerable to loss or limitation. In my vulnerable state it was more than a nice concept. I received it as a core, essential truth that penetrated my mind and heart and resonated deeply.  From that realization it was just a moment later that the implications for what I had been experiencing became clear. Whatever I may have “lost” must have been the temporal aspects of my self, not my essential self. Under the refining fire of deep inquiry my precious beliefs and concepts were consumed as layers of a false self.

As painful as it has been, my sense today is that this process was a good and necessary part of my spiritual growth. As St. Paul observed, we “die daily” and as Meister Eckhart noted, growth is really about subtraction.

Perhaps you are facing the risk of losing something precious in your life right now. (We all have and will) Perhaps you have become identified with something that can be lost or damaged.  You might ask yourself this question. Is it possible that your life in God (true self) can survive, and even thrive, through this loss?  Such a question, sincerely pondered with vulnerability and a little chutzpah, may lead you, as it has for me, to a deeper realization of your true Self.